


Just a Good Little Soldier

by PastxlPrincx (orphan_account)



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Abusive John Winchester, Angry Sam, Angst, Depressed Dean, Fluff, Happy Ending, Insomnia, John Winchester's A+ Parenting, Oblivious Sam, On Hiatus, Panic Attacks, Past Child Abuse, Past Sexual Abuse, Protective Castiel, Sarcastic Dean, Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, Worried Castiel, i think, obviously, or i might crush your guys hearts
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-09-11
Updated: 2017-03-25
Packaged: 2018-08-12 21:55:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 6
Words: 11,549
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7950619
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/PastxlPrincx
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When Dean was growing up, Sam was the one that was doted on. The on who went to school as he hunted, the smart one. However, Dean was the fuck-up. Doing everything wrong, not protecting Sammy. His whole childhood flopped.<br/>But then Dean went to hell, he knew he belonged there, after everything. But then some stupid, attractive angel had to pull him out. After, Dean was basically at the worst point in his life. But he was used to it. But after purgatory and getting the Mark. Everything goes downhill. Sam and Dean argue over something, so Sam gives him a basic silence treatment unless completely necessary. And the mark is bringing some unwanted memories of Hell again.<br/>(Also, Cas never gets his grace stolen in this. But the angels still fall. This is in Season 10 btw)</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> So this is my second Fic on here and I think I have a pretty good idea of what's going to be going on. Beware of angst, just saying. This Fic is probably going to have a lot of it. But yeahhh buckle up cowboy. (I am so sorry for saying that)

Dean sighed as Sam was still silent as Dean walked by him in the hallway of the Bunker. Now that Dean thought about it, maybe he did deserve Sam to ignore his presence. I mean, the only thing Dean is, is Dad's little soldier, never disobeying. He winced at the memories of what would happen if he did disobey. Sam didn't know the extent of it. And he never brought it up, only wanting to remember the good part of dad. Dean made it into the bathroom, shutting and locking the door behind him. He began to undress, and avoiding looking at himself in the mirror. He stripped and turned on the water, as hot as it would go. They didn't have to pay for hot water, so it didn't matter. Dean looked back at his pants, knowing his pocket knife was hidden in them. He sighed and reached down, pulling the knife out. As he looked up, he stared at the mirror. It reflected black pits instead of Dean's actual green eyes, he began to hyperventilate, turning around and stepping into the shower. As soon as the scalding hot water hit him, he instantly calmed down. Even though it felt like his very skin was begin torch off. But it reminded him of hell, and that's where he wanted to be. He didn't deserve Sammy or Cas or anyone else. But killing himself would be taking the easy way out. And his death needed to be brutal. But he guessed he could live through his life, as long as he was in pain because he definitely deserved it. Soon fog was crowding the bathroom, making it stuff, but Dean didn't exactly care. He looked at his red, shiny pocket knife. He already had multiple wounds that were inflicted on him by him. But he always passed them off as hunting accidents. And that's what he is going to do now. He flips it open, but a knock on the door startles him. "Y-yeah?" He stutters, not used to talking while feeling like he's literally burning alive. 

"Are you okay, Dean? There's fog coming out." A familiar gravelly voice asked. Dean sighed, "Yes, I'm fine Cas!" He could hear Castiel sigh too. "Alright." Then the patter of feet. Dean continued what he was doing, sitting down, and revealing his calf. His pocket knife felt cool against his skin compared to the scalding water hitting his back. He made a deep, long cut. Deeper than he expected, as blood came pouring out quite quickly. Making Dean feel light-headed, and when the hot water came in contact. It just made it hurt more, he just smiled at the pain. He finished washing up and quickly turned the shower nob, changing the temperature from scorching to freezing. He force of it hit him, making him stumble. But he stayed in the line of fire for a few minutes before stepping out of the shower. He whined as the cut on his calf burned with pain. He changed into his black boxers, having a towel cover the mirror so he didn't have to stare at it. He quickly grabbed the gauze, wrapping it around his bleeding wound. Without disinfecting it, though, which was probably stupid on his part. But he didn't exactly care.

Suddenly the door opened to reveal Cas. Dean jumped, and dropped the gauze. Luckily he was finished wrapping the deep cut. Cas's eyebrows furrowed, "What happened to your leg?" Dean sighed, he should've known Cas was going to come in at the most inappropriate time. He shrugged, "Just a hunting accident." He replied plainly, he did just hunt a nest of vampires. So it would make sense. Suddenly Dean felt very vulnerable, he was basically naked. Dean turned around, and was met with a towel covering the mirror, "Shit..." He whispered to himself, knowing Castiel was going to comment on that. He grabbed his pants and pulled them up his legs. He then turned around and found that Castiel was gone. Of course. Dean sighed, picked up his grey shirt and red and white flannel. He tugged on the shirt and put the flannel on top of it. He sighed and looked at the towel covering the mirror. He quickly grabbed it, tugging it down and turning around. He reached for the doorknob, opening the dark brown door, heading for his room. He reached it and found the door already open. His eyebrows furrowed as he pushed it open more, finding Cas sitting on his bed. He rolled his eyes and put his dirty clothes and towel in a corner. Once he turned around, Cas was about 3 feet away from him. "Cas...personal space." Castiel just nodded, "My apologies." He replied and stepped back a couple feet.

Dean sat in an armchair in one of the corners of the room. "What is it Cas?" Cas looked at the dirty blond man, sighing. "I know it's been really rough....and I want to propose something." Dean's eyebrow raised, "Mhm, and what might that be?" He asked curiously. "I want you to go to therapy," Cas answered. Deans eyes widened, and he stood up. "No, absolutely not. I have no reason to go." Cas sighed, "Dean...-" Dean quickly turned around and headed for his door. "No Cas, just no." Suddenly, the door slammed shut. "Dean...I know what happened. Everything that happened before you went to Hell." Dean's green eyes widened, still facing the door. No...Cas shouldn't know... "I don't know what you're talking about," Dean replied, trying to open the door, but with little success. He heard Cas sigh again. "Dean, it was necessary to put your soul back together again. I wanted to take away the memories, but they are a part of makes you, you. But I was allowed to take away the scars." Dean put on a fake, playful smile as he turned back around. "Yeah, that much is obvious. But I still looked good as hell with them." Castiel narrowed his eyes at him, "This is what you always do, you hide your pain with sarcasm. That's why I'm guessing Sam doesn't know." Dean's smile faltered, "Cas, I don't know what you're talking about." He repeated, playing with the hem of his flannel. "Okay, then shall I bring up the towel covering the mirror?" Dean just shrugged, "Makes me feel more manly, as I have like no scars to see." Cas' eyes narrowed, "We both know that's not true, Dean. You don't enjoy looking at yourself, and you keep getting more scars from your constant 'hunting accidents'. Which I believe is not actually the case." Dean's smile completely fell, and he went back to the armchair, collapsing in it. "Have you told Sammy?" He asked hesitantly. Cas was surprised that Dean actually responded, "No, I figured that it was best not to. But I will if you don't go to therapy." Dean scoffed and hid his face in his hands. "Threatening me, huh?" Cas just frowned some more, "No, I just think you should go to therapy. But I also believe you should tell Sam. So I know it's either one or the other." Dean shook his head, "How often?"

"What do you mean?" Dean raised his head from his hands, his eyes watery. "How often do you want me to go?" Cas looked at Dean, easily reading him. He walked over the to the armchair and kneeled in front of it, resting his hand on Dean's shoulder. "Once a week would be fine..." Dean stared at Cas, ' _Do this for Cas....Do this for Sammy..._ ' He sucked in a sharp intake of breath. "Alright...do you know who?" Cas left his hand on Dean's shoulder, "Her name is Ellen Charles. She has been highly recommended by the internet. And Dean, it's okay if you cry or show emotion around me." Dean looked at him, his eyes getting more watery. He eyed Cas, and quickly fell into him, hugging him tightly. Cas's eyes widened, Dean wasn't one for hugs, but Cas also knew Dean probably needed a hug. Cas wrapped his hands around Dean, as he'd seen in movies before. He felt Dean breathing heavily and let Dean hug him. Dean was in that position for a while until he fell asleep. Cas knew Dean would probably regret all of this in the morning, but he wrapped his hands around Dean's waist. He then picked him up and carried Dean over to the bed, setting him down. He let go of him gently and went to leave Dean alone when a hand shot out and grabbed his wrist. "Don't leave..." A sleepy voice called out. Castiel looked at Dean, his eyes barely opened and his lips in a frown. Cas sighed and nodded, sitting down in a wooden chair beside Dean's bed. "If you wish..." Dean smiled softly, "Bed, cuddle please." It was Cas's turn to smile softly. This is the first time he's seen Dean like this since he rescued him in Hell. Dean had been so vulnerable. Cas looked at him and nodded again beginning to take his tie off. He slid his trench coat and his blazer. He noticed Dean was looking at him tiredly, with a little interest. He found his cheeks heat up, one thing he picked up from the humans when they were embarrassed. He took off his shoes and belt. He went to the other side of the bed and slid in, suddenly being held in another hug. Dean looked so gentle, not threatening and Cas hugged back, tightly holding Dean. He knew he should've brought something up about Dean's past sooner, but he forgot all about that whilst watching Dean peacefully sleep. Something Dean had not done in a very long time.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dean has a panic attack from remembering things from his father. Castiel helps him through it and contemplates telling Sam about Dean. Sam notices something off but continues to be angry at Dean. Dean also goes to his first therapy appointment.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter two! How do you guys like this so far? Also, all I'm listening to now music-wise is Rob Benedict singing "Fare The Well". Sooo, that's that.

_Sammy was on a swing while Dean was watching from a bench on the other side of the park. He was watching Sam, as usual, making sure he didn't get hurt. He smiled as Sam looked like he was having fun. Dean's eyes closed for about a minute, thinking about his life when he heard a scream. A scream he's heard before. His eyes snapped open, seeing Sam was no longer on the swing. He was lying on the cement, a little blood trickling down his forehead and ripped jeans from when he landed. Dean raced over, helping Sammy up. He inspected the wound on Sam's head, it wasn't that bad. He wouldn't need stitches or anything. Sam looked up at him with watery eyes. "De, d-do I n-need stitches?" Dean shook his head, "No, no, Sammy. You'll be fine." Dean reassured him as he took off his flannel. He pressed it against Sam's head and grabbing his small hand in this bigger one. "C'mon Sammy, let's go get you cleaned up." Dean smiled softly at him, and Sam smiled brightly back. "Okay, De!"_

_Dean winced as the Impala was in the parking lot of the motel, meaning his father was home. "Okay Sammy, once we get inside, I want you to go up to the bathroom and clean up. Okay?" Sammy nodded, still smiling. Dean was going to let Sammy have the best childhood he could, even if it meant letting Dean suffer. Sammy was the one who needed to get out of this crappy life, go to college, even if Dean wanted Sammy to always be around. He didn't want to carry this life by himself, or with his father. But as long as Sam was happy, he was fine. Dean opened the small wooden door, finding his father sitting at the wooden table, holding a bottle of scotch to his chest. He glared at Dean as he saw the blood trickle down Sam's head. "Okay Sammy, go clean up now. Okay?" Dean plastered on a fake smile as Sam's faltered and he nodded. "Alright, De..." He ran into the cheap bathroom, shutting the door behind him._

_"Dean..." John glowered, scowling at his son. "Why does Sam have an injury on his head? Were you not looked after him?!" Dean swallowed, clasping his shaking hands with one another. "I-I was Sir, h-he just went t-to high.." Dean muttered an excuse. John stood up, quickly cornering Dean in the corner. "I think it's because of your crap job of looking after him! You always fail, your just a mistake!" John growled and slapped Dean and then kneeing him. Dean clutched his stomach in pain, doubling over. John quickly started to kick him, and it seemed as if it went on a loop. Never stopping, and Sammy never came out. But the telltale sign of the shower turning on meant he would be oblivious to noises from the outside world and would be a while. Of course, that just opened a whole new world of hurt on Dean._

_"Dean..." Deans eyebrows furrowed, that didn't sound like a voice from someone in his dream or nightmare, whichever it was._

_"Dean!" That confused Dean more...Cas??_

 

 "Dean!!" Dean bolted up, finding himself in Castiel's embrace, looking into a worried Cas's eyes. "Hey Dean...it's fine, it was only a nightmare..." Cas assured him as Dean still looked frightened. Dean looked into Castiel stormy blue eyes and calmed down instantly, laying back down. But then he had to go and remember his best goddamn male friend was embracing him. Of course, Dean knew he himself was Bisexual, but having Castiel this close was messing with him. The reason? Oh, maybe because he had a fucking goddamn crush on the angel. But Castiel had his head too far up his ass to notice anything. "Umm..Cas?" The angel hummed beside him, his face buried in Dean's neck.  "W-why are you cuddled against me?" Dean felt heat rise to Castiel's face, "Umm, last night you asked to cuddle. I thought it was customary in friendships to comfort one another. Dean smiled softly, "Thanks..." He whispered. Cas just nodded, "You're first therapy appointment is today at 2." Dean chuckled, but it sounded forced. Which it was. "Great icebreaker, Cas. Now get off me so I can take a shower before I go to some office building and talk about my feelings." Dean said sarcastically. Cas just sighs and crawls off him. Dean throws him a smile and walks to the bathroom with a pair of clothes and a towel.

 Cas flys to where Sam is making coffee. "Sam." The long-haired man jumped, nearly spilling coffee everywhere. "Hello, Castiel." Sam had quit calling Castiel, Cas for some reason. Castiel thinks it's because that's what Dean calls him. "We have to talk." Sam nodded, leaning against the counter and sipping his coffee. "About...?" He asked with little interest. Cas sighed, "Dean. Do you know what's going on with him?" Immediately Sam's eyes narrowed, "Yes, of course, you want to talk about Dean. Because he's just the centre of attention?! You couldn't think to ask me how I'm doing?! Nooo, it's all about that dick! I don't know what's going on, but I know Dean is acting like a complete asshole over it! It couldn't even be that important! He doesn't even sound like my brother anymore..." Castiel's eyes widened at the last opinion, but his "Celestial-hearing" let him know Dean heard every word that came out of Sam's mouth. Cas glared icily at Sam, "With time, you will begin to despise that you said those words. When you figure things out." And with that, Castiel flew to Deans room, disappearing from Sam's sight. Sam's eyes furrowed, what did Cas mean? Did he know what was happening with Dean? Was it bad? But Sam shook himself out of those thoughts, knowing Dean was just being a stubborn asshole.

 Castiel appeared in Dean's room, finding Dean in sweatpant's and no shirt. He had a red, shiny pocketknife in his hand. The shiny blood decorating it just added to the bright colour. Castiel's eyes surveyed the blond-haired man's torso, worried about the amount of blood collected there. He had two deep cuts, obviously self-inflicted. Dean looked so out of it, his eyes were glossed over, focused on the blood-covered knife. Castiel knew if he attempted to heal Dean with his 'angel mojo', Dean would freak out. Cas slowly walked over to Dean, prying the knife out of his hands and throwing it to the corner of the room. Dean's watery green eyes met Castiel's stormy blue ones. "Y-you heard h-him, Cas. I r-ruin everything...I'm not worth saving..." Dean muttered the last part, but Castiel obviously heard it. Cas decided against trying to have any coherent conversation with Dean as he tugged him over to the bathroom. He shut the door with his foot and gently laid the whimpering Dean on the toilet. Castiel grabbed the fist aid kit and opened it. It was at times like these that he was happy Dean taught him these things. He opened the kit and began to disinfect Dean's injuries. Dean hissed in pain, and his head shot up as he heard Sam enter his room. Cas raised his brow but remembered Dean stole some of Sams chips. Sam was probably here to take them back. "Um, are you alright in there, Dean? There's a lot of blood." Castiel sighed as he started stitching Dean up, "No, he's not okay, Sam. Thanks to you." Castiel replied to Sam, coaxing Dean to stay conscious. "Can I come in?" Sam asked, his voice now tinged with worry. "No, Sammy. 'm fine, don't worry..." Dean replied, still way out of it. They both heard Sam sigh in frustration, "Fine, Dean. Whatever you say." Sam said irritatedly and stormed out. 

 Once Dean was all stitched up and clean, Cas stayed by his side. They had about an hour until Dean had to leave for his appointment, Cas making the decision to go with. "Hey, Cas?" Castiel looked at Dean, he was wearing his signature smirk, but Cas could see right through it. "Yes, Dean?" He asked and went to sit by Dean on his bed, but Dean flinched away. Now Castiel was the one sitting and Dean the one standing. Dean looked at the floor, "Why did you save me? Y-you heard Sammy." Castiel caught on to Dean saying 'Sammy' instead of 'Sam'. He guessed it had to do with reminding him of other, happier, memories. Castiel stood up, nearing Dean. "Whether you believe it or not, you do deserve to be saved. You deserve to be loved." Now Castiel was very close, but Dean didn't make any move to pull away. Dean just chuckled brokenly, "No Cas, I really don't." Castiel just squinted at Dean. "Why..." But before he could finish, Dean quickly cut through. "It's time to go." Castiel's eyebrows furrowed, "What?" Dean just turned around, grabbed his leather jacket and keys, and replied. "To therapy." Cas nodded his head and followed Dean to his car, telling Sam some lie, even though Dean didn't think he would exactly care where Dean went. 

 Dean and Castiel sat outside of the large building, Dean clutching to the steering wheel like it was his lifeline. "Dean, the appointment starts in 5 minutes and we still have to check in. Dean scowled at him, "I know.." He took his fingers off of the steering wheel, and his hands started to shake. He grabbed the door handle and swung the door open, stepping out. He shut the door and started to walk to the glass double doors, only faintly aware of Cas trailing behind him. He pushed the doors open, holding it open for Cas who muttered a thank you. They both walked up to the desk where a pretty lady with short blonde hair and blue eyes greeted them. Castiel decided to do the talking, "We are here for Dr Ellen Charles." The girl checked her laptop and nodded, "Dean Winchester and Castiel Novak?" Cas nodded, "But I am here as a supervisor for Dean." The girl nodded, "Alright, I'll check you in. Dr Charles should be out in about 3 minutes." Dean nodded and fiddled with his leather jackets sleeves. They took a seat at a small 2-person couch. Dean looked around, not trusting the short brunette lady in the corner with the red-headed 2-year-old. Or the blond man in the single chair, with his earbuds stuffed in his ears. Or the black haired girl on another couch, being held close by someone who looked to be her twin. He felt a hand on his arm and he jumped, looking at Cas with wide eyes. "Dean, everyone in here is human. If they weren't, I would be able to see their true faces." Dean just nodded but didn't stop biting his lip in nervousness. "Dean Winchester?" He jumped again when his name was called by a tall brunette woman in her mid-thirties with an Australian accent. He hesitated to move, but Cas gave him a small smile and a push. Dean looked at Castiel as he sat up, and it kind of reminded Cas of a lost puppy. Dean walked over to the person, following her to a small office-like place.

She had him sit down at a beige chair in front of her mahogany desk. To avoid looking at her he looked at the walls. She had a gay-pride poster hung up, which made him relax a little. She also had various baseball decorations, and behind her were 2, large, black, file cabinets. Her walls were painted a soft baby blue, and finally, he met her eyes. They were a deep brown. He realised she had said something, "What was that?" He asked quietly, where she had to strain to hear him. "I asked how you were, Dean." She repeated herself. Dean looked at his hands and muttered a small, "Who cares?" He heard a sigh, "I do." His head snapped up, "No, you don't. You are paid to hear my problems, to help me 'get better'. The only reason I'm fucking here is because Cas wanted me to!" He snapped at her, immediately staring out the window of her office-place thing. "It is true I am paid, but that does not mean I am any less of a person to help you. Now, you said you were only here because of Cas...Castiel? Right? Your supervisor to bring you here." Dean nodded, wishing it would just end. "I see, and what is he to you?" Dean shrugged even though he knew well exactly what Cas was to him. His best friend, his crush,  _his angel._ "He's my best friend." He watched as she nodded and wrote something down. "I see, and...has he ever..let's say...abandoned you?" His eyes shot up, "What do you mean?" But he already had a million things running through his head. Cas had abandoned him before, at purgatory, after they got the angel tablet, when he turned into 'god'. 

 He closed his eyes and thought about purgatory. How he went everywhere, asked everyone about 'the angel'. Sometimes he even called Cas 'his angel'. The monsters would chuckle at that and Dean would give them a brutal death. He still sometimes, on accident calls Cas 'his angel' or 'the angel'. But Cas pretends not to notice, not wanting to remember just another time where he abandoned Dean, and Dean gave out forgiveness. Even if it were for Deans own safety, Cas knew that Dean missed him severely. He would pray every night, exhausted and grief-stricken. But Cas never showed, and Dean eventually found him, of course. It made Dean wonder about why Castiel let go at the last second, but then it came to him. Cas knew if he let go before then, Dean would've stayed with him.

 He remembered how when the angels fell, they came to Dean to ask questions about Castiel. The fact that Dean actual did not know where Cas was when the angels fell and yet when angel asked him, he made it seem like he did. This was to have the angels be persuaded to torture him, and buy Castiel more time. He would give everything for Castiel, and he remembered when Cas was going to kill him before he touched the angel tablet. And how Dean just clutched onto his trenchcoat, because he felt if he let go of it, it would all disappear and Dean would be in Hell again and this time. Castiel wouldn't be his saviour.

 "Dean?!" He was shaken out of his daze by his counsler calling his name. "You should go take a break.." Dean shook his head and growled, "No! The only reason I am here is because my angel has a giant stick up his ass and reads too much into things. So I'll be going now." He said and stood up, storming out into the lobby. As he was going to exit, he felt Castiel's hand wrap around his wrist and pull him backwards. Damn angel strength. "Dean, you tried to kill yourself and were abused as a child. I do  _not think I am looking too much into this_." Cas growled. He forgot Cas could hear everything. Dean looked down at his shoes and Cas sighed. "I will go talk to her and finish up the appointment. You stay here, alright?" Dean just nodded and Castiel walked off. Dean sighed and sat down on the couch, waiting for Cas to come back.

 Castiel walked into the office and nodded at the lady. "So, you're Castiel?" He nodded again. "I am sorry for my friend to march out like that. He isn't used to talking about his feelings." She just nodded in understanding and motioned at the beige chair. "Please, sit. I have some questions." Castiel nodded and sat down, knowing what she was going to ask about. "Why did you sign Dean up for this? And why did he call you 'his angel'." Castiel smiled softly, "He calls me his angel because I've saved him a lot of times before..." Cas's smile then dropped, "I signed him up because he's had a hard life. He's basically been to hell and back." Cas couldn't really control the words coming from his mouth. He just wanted to see Dean happy. It always warmed his heart when Dean smiled or anything of the sort.

 "Dean has always been the one who held the family together, who saw the good in everybody. And everyone, even Sam, his brother, misunderstands him. Nobody in Dean's life has ever given him credit for any of what he's achieved, and I think that's part of why he feels so unimportant and loathes himself. Because nobody else in this world has ever stopped to appreciate just how much his caring has saved other people. He does and always will, feel as though he deserves the punishment he gets, and that's what breaks my heart. Because he takes so long to become loyal, yet he breaks so easily. But he doesn't show it, he never shows it..." Castiel finished and shrugged. "Just my personal thoughts." He saw the lady smiling fondly. "What is it?" She just shook her head, "You and Dean seem very close." Castiel nodded, "We are." He replied and stood up, doing a small wave and heading out, finding Dean asleep on the couch. He smiled to himself, standing there for a moment before waking Dean up and heading back to the bunker.

 


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "What nightmares?" Dean jumped, grabbing his pistol from under his pillow and pointing it at the person who talked. Just Sam, okay then. He put the gun down. "It's nothing, Sammy. Watcha doing in here?" Sam narrowed his eyes, "Don't tell me it's 'just nothing', Dean. Why were you at a mental facility yesterday?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Soo, how are you guys liking this so far? Good, I hope... Anyways, tell me your thoughts in the comments!

_"Dean Winchester? Winchester?" Dean's head shot up at the sound of his name. He was currently writing a story, the teacher had told the class to write a story about what they wished their life was like. Dean immediately started to write a story where angels might actually give damn about his family. His Mum was alive, Dad was kind, and Sammy had a good life. But he was nowhere, in no page of the essay was he even mentioned. It was like he didn't even exist, which was what he wished most of all._

_"Yes?" He asked, coming out of his trance. "Your little brother is sick. And your parents doesn't have a phone registered with the school." Dean nodded, understanding. He gathered all of his papers, and grabbed his backpack, slinging it over his shoulder. He walked up and dropped the essay on the teacher's desk, the teacher nodded as a farewell to him. Dean ignored it and walked out, the door slamming behind him. He began walking to the office, his footsteps echoing in the empty hall. He got stopped by a hand on his shoulder. Dean quickly turned around, making a growl when Jake, the school bully, came into his view. "Hey, fag." Dean rolled his eyes, "I wouldn't suggest picking a fight with me, Jake. Remember what happened last time?" Dean commented unemotionally. Jake's eyes narrowed, remembering that Dean had beat him up last time. But Jake was too proud to admit that. Suddenly arms came from behind him, hooking under his armpits and locking him and his arms in place. Dean tried to kick out at the person behind him, but they knew the stance well enough to put their legs in a position that was impossible to kick._

_Dean glowered at Jake as he drew nearer, two of his crew members coming out of seemingly nowhere. Jake smirked, "Not so strong now, Winchester?" Dean scoffed and spat in Jake's face, "Go to hell."  Jake now looked outraged and he wiped the spit off of his face. "You'll learn your place, Winchester." He growled and made a signal, the two behind him coming forward. Jake just leant on the wall and watched with a smirk. They began to kick and punch him. All while spitting mean words. Eventually, probably after 20 minutes, he was released. His body crumbled to the ground, the boys walking away, laughing. Dean cursed himself for not being strong enough currently to fight back, maybe that's why his dad hated him. He shook himself out of that thought. He slowly picked himself up from the floor, groaning at the hot ache in his body. He walked to the closest bathroom, wiping his face to rid the blood and probably some spit that had gathered there while the two were using him as a personal punching bag._

_He arrived at the office, grabbing a sign-out form from the actually pretty attractive secretary. The man had dark brown hair slicked back with gel, but not to the point that it looked greasy. He had a slim nose and a chiselled jaw. His broad shoulders rested against the big office chair, his button down accentuating his muscles. He nodded, knowing the bruises on his face were already starting to bloom. But nobody was surprised, he has already gotten into 3 fights in the month he's been here. It wasn't like he started them, everyone had agreed it was self-defense from Jake. Dean quickly filled out the form, handing it back and walking into the nurse's office. The nurse smiled at him, but Dean was focused on Sam. He was a pale lump on the plastic bed sheet of the office. He looked truly terrible. He nodded at the nurse, knowing her from the multiple times he got into fights. She frowned at the bruises on her face, but he just quietly asked her for some ibuprofen for Sam. She smiled and handed him a whole bottle. His eyes widened as he nodded in thanks, he could save some for later. He walked over to Sammy and put one arm under his knees and one under his back. He picked him up gently from the bed, turning around and carefully carried Sam out to the Impala._

_He laid him tenderly in the passenger seat, closing the door quietly. He walked around the front of his Baby and opened the driver's door, starting the car as quietly as possible. He didn't want to wake Sam._

_They arrived at the motel they were staying at shortly, Dean climbing nimbly out of the car. He silently closed the door and walked to the passenger side, pulling open that door and picked Sam up bridal style. As he shut the door with his foot, Sammy started to stir. He opened one eye and groaned, "D-De?" Dean smiled, "Shhh, go back to sleep, Sammy." He replied and started to hum 'Hey Jude' like his mum did to him when he was sick. He saw a soft smile grow on Sam's face, and that caused Dean to grow a soft smile._

_Dean entered their room and placed Sam on the couch. He smiled at his sleeping form, he looked so peaceful. Dean walked to the kitchen, deciding to make what was going to be his dinner. It was chicken noodle soup, what Dean's dinner was supposed to be. But he didn't matter as much as Sam. Sam was still going to have dinner, as he wanted a salad. For some reason, he insisted upon eating rabbit food. Dean dug up a pot from the bottom of a cupboard, grimacing at the dust on it. He cleaned it quickly and filled it with water. He then put it on the burner and put it on simmer. He dumped the package in and began waiting. It would take about 15 minutes. He walked back out to Sammy and began to sing 'Hey Jude'._

_"Hey Jude, don't make it bad_  
_Take a sad song and make it better_  
_Remember to let her into your heart_  
_Then you can start to make it better..."_

Dean opened his eyes and jumped when Castiel was in his room. "Dude, what the hell. I wasn't having any more nightmares or anything." Castiel looked at Dean weirdly, Dean couldn't place the emotion. "You have a nice voice, Dean." Dean flushed when he realised he must have sung the song out loud in his sleep. "What nightmares?" Dean jumped, grabbing his pistol from under his pillow and pointing it at the person who talked. _Just Sam, okay then_. He put the gun down. "It's nothing, Sammy. Watcha doing in here?" Sam narrowed his eyes, "Don't tell me it's 'just nothing', Dean. Why were you at a mental facility yesterday?" Dean scoffed and rolled his eyes, "Now you care?" Sam just stared at him. "Nothing! All right? Just a case." Dean replied, standing up and attempting to stretch. But his stitches hurt every time he tried. He realised he was shirtless too late, as Sam was already staring at the three jagged marks he placed on himself.

 "Where the hell did those come from?" Dean shrugged, "Just a hunting accident." Cas glared at him, wanting him to tell his brother the truth. Dean just turned around and began his search for a shirt. "Dean, talk to me. Please..." Dean's anger flared up, he spun around and leant on the board of wood from the side of his closet. "Tell you what, Sam?! That I- That Dad-" Dean cut himself off, silently turning back around. He picked up a white t-shirt, pulling it on. "Cas, can I talk to you outside?" Sam asked quietly. Dean turned around and sent Castiel a glare. Sam saw it as a 'don't do it' glare, but Castiel quickly translated it. Dean really didn't want him to tell Sam what his father had done to him. He didn't want Sam to carry around that burden also, it wasn't his to carry. Castiel fully disagreed with that, but he made a promise to Dean. That didn't mean he couldn't drop a few hints to Sam along the way.

 "What is it, Sam?" Castiel asked. "I know you know something, and you gotta help me." The angel's eyes narrowed, Sam really had no idea? "I think you know what's happened. Dean didn't have the best childhood." Sam scoffed and rolled his eyes. "I didn't either, that doesn't mean I go and shut everybody out and act like a douche!" Castiel just shook his head, turning around. When he walked back into Dean's room, he 'accidentally' dropped Ellen's card on the floor.

 Sam's eyebrows furrowed as Castiel shut the door behind himself, only leaving a small slip of paper on the floor. Sam walked over and picked up the small paper, in it was the name 'Dr Ellen Charles' and contact information. Sam smiled to himself, obviously, Castiel wanted Sam to figure something out. Sam pulled out his phone and walked to the library-study place and plopped down into one of the chairs. He typed in the doctor's number and listened to it ring. "Dr Ellen Charles of Greenland Mental Facility." Sam heard an Australian voice say. He cleared his throat, "Yes, my name is Sam Winchester. I believe you have my brother, Dean, as a patient." He heard some shufflings of papers from the receiver. "Ah, yes, Dean. I assume you're calling to see how he's doing?" "Yes, actually. Um, Castiel signed Dean up without my knowledge. They won't share anything with me, so I was hoping you could tell me a bit?" He heard a sigh, "Well, there is patient confidentiality..." "Please, at least what you've unofficially diagnosed him with?" He heard yet another sigh. "Well, so far I've got a couple ideas. Your brother has been through quite a lot, as much as I've gathered. Could you come in tomorrow at around four so we can talk face-to-face? And please bring Dean." "Alright, thank you." She said a simple "you're welcome." And hung up.

 Sam walked back to Dean's door and knocked softly. "Yes?" Castiel called out. Sam furrowed his brows. "Uhm, can you tell Dean that we are going somewhere at around 4 tomorrow?" "Okay." Was the simple response Sam got. He sighed and walked back to his room.

 Dean was still in the same spot on his bed, with Castiel next to him, carding his hand through Dean's hair. It was now about 10pm, and Dean hadn't gotten up- except to use the restroom- since the morning. He was currently reading 'A Tale Of Two Cities' by Charles Dickens. (It's actually a very good book). Sam may not know, but he enjoyed novels. Cas had brought him some food, but Dean wasn't hungry. Dean had convinced himself that Castiel was being platonic, that he would never like a fuck-up like Dean. And it hadn't helped that Castiel had been with him the whole time, just leaving to get him food. He was just watching the blond, with affection that Dean convinced himself was friendly. Dean flicked his way through the pages, thoroughly enjoying the book. "Dean?" Dean's head shot up, meeting Castiel's deep eyes.

 "When's the last time you got the correct amount of sleep?" Dean quickly looked away, staring at the wall. He heard Castiel sigh, "I figured. Do you wish to watch a movie?" Dean's surprised eyes met Cas' again, "Do  _you_?" He saw Castiel nod, "Of course, Dean." Dean licked his now dry lips and nodded, "Yeah, sure." He replied and put in his plain black bookmark, then putting the book in one of his drawers. He tossed his legs over the edge of the bed, standing for the first time. He grunts as his legs threaten to give in, but he motions for Cas to follow him to the living room.

 Dean kneels down in front of the large TV they owned and flicked through the movies they had. He landed on 'Zombieland' and pulled it out. He stood back up and faced Cas. He showed him the movie, "Seen it?" Castiel shrugged, "Well, Metatron-" Dean cut him off, "Okay, well, let's watch it." He saw Castiel nod and he popped it into the DVD player. He walked to the couch and sat on it, stretching his legs and resting them on the coffee table. Dean felt Castiel sit beside him, but the angel did not follow Dean's lead of putting his feet on the table.

 A while into the movie, somehow Dean was resting his head on Castiel's shoulder, and Cas didn't make a move to leave. The scene came on where Columbus kisses Wichita. Dean felt Castiel shuffle around and he lifted his head from his shoulder. "Cas, something wro-" He got cut off by soft lips kissing his. After the initial shock went away, he began to kiss back. He wrapped his arms around the angel's neck and pulled him down onto him as he fell onto the couch. Cas quickly caught himself, awkwardly changing angles so he was more comfortable. Cas pulled away after a few more seconds and stared at Dean. His cheeks had a flush and his eyes were surprised. Castiel lifted himself up and sat back down. Dean quickly followed. "You tasted better than Meg..." Cas absently said, more to himself than Dean. "Excuse me?" Cas looked at him and smiled softly.

 "You tasted like apple pie and whisky, which is quite a good match. Meg tasted like ash and fire..." Dean raised his eyebrows, feeling slightly hurt. "Wait, so...did you just kiss me to get a different taste?" He asked venomously. Cas looked at him, now surprised. "No, Dean. I've wanted to kiss you ever since...ever since I raised you from perdition." They were now completely ignoring the movie. Dean swallowed and leant in again, capturing Castiel's lips. Cas kissed back, more gentle this time. They pulled apart again and Castiel stared at Dean. "You're beautiful." Dean scoffed and chuckled, "And you're a dork." They continued to watch the movie, Dean kissing Cas more and smiling more than he had for a long time.

 About 3 hours later, Dean was drunk, sleepy, and leaning against Castiel in his bed. "Hey, Cas?" Castiel rubbed his shoulder in response. "I enjoy doing normal things like we did tonight. Watching a movie, having a good time. I feel like I don't have to sleep with a gun or wait for things to go wrong, or constantly look over my shoulder. I can just...enjoy myself." Dean slurred out, losing his train of thought multiple times. Cas smiled, even though he knew Dean was only telling him this cause he was drunk. He didn't usually get drunk, but Cas hadn't monitored his drinking. Castiel leant in and kissed Dean softly, wrapping his arms around him and holding him close. If Dean couldn't keep away from the dark parts of his thoughts, Castiel would protect him from them.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Also, sorry for starting it off with a dream. I just figured this had probably happened at some time, and thought it was too cute to resist. (But some parts of it were kinda sad. But I mean, it's Dean, of course, some of it's gonna be sad. Sorry, I just want you to have a little look-see at his past.)  
> And they kissed! I totally hadn't planned that, but I decided to write it in anyways. What do you guys think? Hm? I just wonder if I made it move too fast. (Even though they obviously have a 'profound bond'.) But, I like it. So, yeah.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sam walked into the living room a while later, already annoyed at having checked Dean's room, Cas's room, the kitchen, and basically anywhere Dean would be. His eyes immediately fell on Castiel holding a sleeping Dean.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, guys! I actually started this in the middle of maths. Aren't I such a good role model? Anyways, yes, I did delete my phanfiction. But that's only because I lost inspiration for it and I thought of a new Destiel fic idea ;).

 Dean woke up to a cold and empty bed. He sighed, he finally scared Cas off. After all this time. He began to actually process his thoughts and began to panic. What if Cas never came back this time? Dean ran his hand through his hair and tried to calm down. He jumped at a hand resting on his shoulder. "Calm down, Dean. I was attempting to cook breakfast for you." Dean turned around and was met with the adorable sight of Castiel with messier hair than usual, flour all over him, and wearing an apron instead of his trenchcoat. "Wow, Cas. You really went all out, hm?" He asked teasingly. A blush dusted the angel's cheeks, contrasting the white powder settled there. "I just- um, meet me in the kitchen." The angel murmured and disappeared. "Well, that was interesting," Dean said to himself. He got off the plain bed and walked over to his closet. For some reason, he was only in his boxers now. Dean's face heated up when he realised Cas must've undressed him.

 He finished getting ready and headed into the kitchen. Needless to say, it was a complete mess. Seriously, wasn't he an angel? Can't angels cook? There were two plates set on the counter. They had pancakes that looked slightly overcooked and eggs that, surprisingly, looked pretty good. Dean smiled at Cas as he greeted him. "Well, I guess Sam'll be left out." Cas frowned at the name. "You okay, man?" Cas nodded, "Yeah, it's just when you were listening to Led Zeppelin, Sam told me to tell that you guys are going somewhere at around 4 tonight." Dean's eyebrows furrowed,  _okay then..._ "Well, then I guess we have a day off," Dean replied, stepping closer to Cas. His face was very close to the other man's, but he didn't want to kiss him just yet. What if yesterday was only for the angel's curiosity? Dean's thoughts got cut off by soft, chapped lips meeting his own. He began to kiss back, his insecurities melting away.

 Cas smiled as he pulled away from Dean. Said persons face flushed when he realised Castiel was still staring at him. The angel's hand reached up and stroked Dean's face. "So pretty..." He mumbled, seemingly to himself. Dean moved away from the loving touch, "Alright Cas, um, the food is probably cold." Dean whispered, and the brown-haired man frowned. He knew Dean only intercepted was because he didn't see himself worthy of Castiel's love. Dean turned around and grabbed his plate, "Let's eat in the living room." He said, and walked out of the kitchen. Cas let his small frown take up his features, knowing how little Dean thought of himself. The angel picked up his plate and flew to the living room.

 Castiel was met with the sight of Dean with his head in his hands, and a broken plate near the wall. The food had been spilt all around it. Cas didn't make a sound, just put his plate down and walked over to Dean. He sat down beside him, but Dean didn't acknowledge him. He didn't even move his head a little. The dark haired angel wrapped his arms around Dean, Dean taking his hands off his face and hugging Castiel back. He buried his head in the others chest, pulling him down into a laying position. Cas turned awkwardly, now facing Dean. His eyes were wide and watching Castiel with an emotion he couldn't place. Even with being among humans for 6 years, he couldn't really grasp emotions. Which is why he didn't understand his certain longing to hold Dean and make sure he felt loved and wanted.

 Dean's voice eventually broke the silence. "Why do you like me, Cas? Surely you were expecting something different..." Cas sighed, but Dean was right. At first, Castiel had expected an ally, the righteous man, and eventually, his brother, Micheal, to banish Lucifer back to the cage. He hadn't expected a ramshackle streetfighter, who loathed himself, read novels when he thought no one was watching, who gave himself up for his family, who thought that family didn't start or end with blood, and who spent hours gazing at the stars on his Impala. But, that Dean,  _his_ Dean, was so much better. Cas didn't regret falling for him, Dean had taught him so much. To stand up to his family, to stand up for himself, to be brave, and to know that what is the past is the past, and to forgive yourself for whatever happened. Castiel just wished Dean would take his own advice.

 Sam walked into the living room a while later, already annoyed at having checked Dean's room, Cas's room, the kitchen, and basically anywhere Dean would be. His eyes immediately fell on Castiel holding a sleeping Dean. He cleared his throat and Cas didn't acknowledge his presence, but he knew Castiel knew he was there. He waited as Castiel slowly woke Dean up by saying his name quietly. Dean woke up, which surprised Sam. He just grabbed the angels trenchcoat and pulled him closer, snuggling up to him. It seemed he was unaware of his brother's existence. Sam had never seen his brother so vulnerable before, but he understood that if Dean knew he was here, he would immediately stand up. "Dean, I like cuddling with you. Trust me, but I believe it's time for you to leave with Sam." Dean looked up and met Sam's eyes. His eyes widened and he shot up, nearly knocking Castiel off the couch. He cleared his throat and ran a hand through his hair. "Y-Yeah, of course," Dean replied and nodded at Cas, standing up.

 Once Dean and Sam got to the garage, Dean was complaining. "Why won't you tell me where we're going? Why can't I drive?" Sam's eye twitched. "Because, Dean. Now get in the car." Dean sighed, but obeyed, getting into the passenger seat. Sam hopped into the driver's seat and started the Impala.

 Dean groaned in distaste as Sam arrived at the location. "Seriously Sam? I thought I told you to drop it." He heard Sam sigh, "Too bad, but you're coming in with me." Dean rolled his eyes and his hands started shaking. He cursed himself and opened the door, stepping out. He heard Sam get out after him, but he was already walking to the door for the 2nd time that week. He pushed open the door and walked to the counter, waiting a few seconds for Sam to catch up. Dean cleared his throat the get the girl that he met yesterday's attention. She looked up and smiled at him, "Back again?" He nodded. "Alright, I'll check you in." Dean nodded again and sat down at a single chair sat in a row of single chairs. Sam sat next to him, Dean could feel his eyes observing Dean. Probably looking for scars nervous habits, or something of the sort.

 Dr Charles greeted Dean again and shook hands with Sam. Dean mostly ignored everything and just studied his surroundings. Dean and Sam followed Dr Charles back to her office and sat down. "So, Dean, how are you?" Dean just shrugged, not wanting to share anything in front of his brother. Sammy sees him as the stronger older brother, and Dean needed to hold up that image. He heard Dr Ellen sigh and he wonders how much people have sighed at him today alone."What about you Sam? How about a story from your guys' childhood?" He saw Sam wince at the word, but nod. "Alright," Sam replied, "When I was a younger, Dean would go out and hustle pool all night just to make sure I got nice clothes and the schoolbooks I needed. I didn't know at the time and I'd resent Dean for leaving me alone. After a few days, some new clothes would show up in my bag. My dad said he didn't get them, so I looked at Dean. However, he just shrugged and joked that they weren't girl clothes. But now I know, that later, he'd count up the remaining money and wonder if he could get me that new biology book I needed to pass. Because I was the one with the future, not him. Which, of course, is the exact opposite of what I think."

 Dean's eyes widened, he hadn't expected Sam to share that. Well, he didn't think the doctor could make anything of that. "So, Dean raised you?" Dean swore under his breath. He was wrong. He knew Sam nodded in response, even though he was busy acquainting himself with all the flaws in the carpet. "What about your dad?" Dean tried to block out the conversation, not wanting to hear anything more. "John? He, um, he wasn't the best. But I have a feeling he treated Dean worse than he treated me... We were young, but our mum died when Dean was 4 and I was a baby. It... It was a house fire. Our dad became obsessed with finding the man who started it. Some big, bad business person. We went all over the country, staying in motels while our dad was following any lead he could get his hands on... It- It was difficult. But Dean always looked after me. More than he did himself."

 "Dean?" The doctor called out. Dean continued to discern the little tugs and rips that were displayed on the beige carpet. "Hmm?" He replied quietly. He felt Sam's worried gaze on him and began to glare at the floor, somehow feeling that it did him wrong. "What is your point of view on your childhood?" Dean scoffed slightly. "I looked after Sam." He heard the doctor sigh again. God, why do people sigh so much around him? "But you did so much more than that. You practically raised me, Dean. Can't you see how...awesome you are?" Dean just rolled his eyes.

 "You always do this Dean. You don't believe whenever I say a compliment about you because it's been ingrained into your mind that I am the smart one and you are the grunt, which is entirely not true. I'm the one that finished school, that went to college. You peg me as the one who is the nerd who knows everything about anything, and the history on top of it. You believe you are the nobody who dropped out of high school. You know how to protect me and that's it. You're the blind soldier, following orders without question, never having a mind of your own, which used to make me mad. But now I get it. You always think you are less than worthy. In your mind, I am the genius and you are the zero. You are nothing, which is why I always come first. Because I am actually worth something. That you are worth nothing. Which sucks that you think that because you are worth so much. You're brave, kind, and the best big brother anyone could hope for. You're a hero willing to sacrifice himself to save others. And yet you think you're worth less than the mud on your shoes."

 Dean stayed silent, observing how the colours of the carpet blended together. It was just beige and presumably, stains left there during the years. They were hardly recognisable, but Dean's want to escape this conversation and his trained eye had them spotted. He heard Sam sigh again and Dr Charles continued to ask Sam questions about their life. Truth be told, Sam told a lot more than Dean ever would. About all the death, betrayal, even a slightly altered story about Ruby, a bad influence girlfriend, getting Sam into drugs. Dean tried to tune him out for a while but decided to just listen. He knew the doctor was writing down notes. And he hated it, knowing there was physical evidence of how fucked up he was. As if the scars on his body didn't do that already. Dean was ready to stand up and walk out when papers were passed to him. He looked at Sam curiously, purposefully avoiding the gaze of Ellen.

 "Tests... to see if what Ellen has diagnosed you with is correct." Dean rolled his eyes and scoffed, but took the clipboard from Sam. He also grabbed a pen and started on the first test.  _Depression._ Of course. Dean really wanted to rip the test up in front of the woman's face and leave. But that may just be the mark talking. Dean winced as he remembered the mark again. But it's not like he could ever forget, he just pushes it back and keeps it under lock and key. He studied the questions and made a face.  _How much sleep do you get? Have you been having suicidal thoughts? Have you ever harmed yourself?_ Dean bit back his comments and filled it out, god help him, truthfully. He handed that test back to Ellen and moved onto the next one.  _Bipolar Disorder._ Dean's eyebrows furrowed. What the hell was that? At the top had a description, so Dean took it upon himself to read it.  _ _Bipolar disorder_ , also known as manic depression, is a mental illness that brings severe high and low moods and changes in sleep, energy, thinking, and behavior._

 Dean scoffed again and looked at the questions.  _Are there times you were so irritable that you shouted at people or started fights or arguments? You were much more talkative or spoke much faster than usual? Thoughts raced through your head or you couldn’t slow your mind down?_ Dean scowled. Damn it, why did he have to relate to these? He filled it out quickly and handed it back to her. There were two tests left and he was dreading them. Why couldn't he be normal?  _Maybe because a demon killed your mother? Because you're a fuck-up? Because you should have stayed in hell?_ Dean shook his head and read the top of this one.  _Insomnia: According to guidelines from a physician group, insomnia is difficulty falling asleep or staying asleep, even when a person has the chance to do so._ Dean held his scowl in place. Why- ugh... He quickly scanned the questions. _Have you been told you snore? Do you have trouble going to sleep? Do you often feel compelled to move your legs and can't sit still?_ Dean quickly filled this one out, feeling awkward. The only sound in the quiet room was pen on paper.

 Dean also finished that one rather quickly. The last sheet of paper read the last thing he wanted to see. _Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, otherwise known as PTSD._ Dean glared at the words and tried to will them to disappear. For what seemed like the tenth time that day, he was thinking of getting out of that office and never coming back. He quickly filled out the questions, trying to not think hard about them.   _Have you experienced or witnessed a life-threatening event that caused intense fear, helplessness, or horror?  Do you have repeated, distressing memories, or dreams about it? Do you ever feel as if the event were happening again (flashbacks or a sense of reliving it)?  
_

Dean checked yes to probably all the questions and hated himself for it. But he still handed it to the doctor and sat back, now studying the wall instead of the carpet. He felt both Sam's and Dr Charles eyes on him as she studied the forms. She wrote down things on her little notepad that Dean was really starting to hate.

 "Dean." Dean flinched slightly at the sound of his name but continued his journey to find all the flaws in the wall. But he bet the wall didn't have as many flaws as he did. "You have tested positive for depression, bipolar disorder, insomnia, and PTSD." Dean sighed quietly, "And?" He heard the doctor move back in her seat. "That's all for now. I hope to see you next week, Dean." Dean just nodded, knowing the only way he was going to come back is if Cas forced him there. But, knowing the angel, he probably would.

 When Dean and Sam arrived at the bunker again, Dean went straight to his room. He groaned as he laid down and pulled out a bottle of whisky from under his bed. He went through way too many depressing and mind-numbingly boring questions to not drink. However, before Dean could open the bottle, it was gone. The hunter let out a whine, mostly because he knew it was only Castiel. "Dean, no drinking at 6 in the evening." Dean opened his eyes and was about to retort when he decided not to. "Fine... Just come lay by me while I read. I guess..." Dean could practically feel the triumph from the angel and shook his head, but he was smiling. "Who would've thought Dean Winchester would read more literature than his brother?" Dean

 "Who would've thought Dean Winchester would read more literature than his brother?" Dean's cheeks burned as Castiel pointed it out. He turned and pecked Cas on the lips, never minding how cheesy and cliche it was. An angel and a human falling in love. Who would've thought...?

 "Not me..." Came his reply.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I FINISHED I FINISHED I FUCKING FINISHED. (This chapter, don't worry, there's more to come.) Anyways, sorry. I'm currently drunk off of Powerade and sleep deprivation. But what do you guys think? You like?


	5. The world is so cold, Now that you've gone away

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dean sighed as he stared at the empty bottle in his hand, and the 5 others scattered across his room. Sam had already gone to bed, unaware of Dean's current feelings. He didn't know that Cas had been gone for 2 weeks now. He had assumed Cas would help Dean.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry for writing this, in advance. Please don't kill me.  
> Title from The Offspring.  
> (P.S. I apologise for not updating for like 3 months! I really will try and make it up to you! But I'm not making any promises for when the next update will be. And sorry for the short chapter!)

 Castiel was  _gone._ Charlie was  _gone._ Everything in Dean's world was _gone_. The precious glue Cas and Sam had applied to Dean's soul to fix it was  _gone._ Charlie had di... was  _gone_ because Dean failed her. Just like he failed Castiel. What other reason would the angel have for abandoning him? Just when Dean started to feel like is old self again, not as depressed or anxious... But then again, what reason would the angel have to stay with a fuck up like Dean? He bore the Mark of Cain, a sigil burned into his arm, announcing to the world that he was Hell's bitch. Why would Castiel even think of loving an insecure, self-loathing, asshole like him? 

 Dean sighed as he stared at the empty bottle in his hand, and the 5 others scattered across his room. Sam had already gone to bed, unaware of Dean's current feelings. He didn't know that Cas had been gone for 2 weeks now. He had assumed Cas would help Dean. He didn't know Dean would drown himself in alcohol until he managed to pass out, at least that staved off his nightmares. Dean knew that the beers wouldn't be enough, his immune system used to the abuse. But he was rather tipsy, standing up and having his vision swim. He threw the bottle down with the rest, grabbing his jacket and heading out to his Impala. He needed to go anywhere, anywhere but  _here._

He hadn't gone to therapy since Cas left, but left 2 times each week, to reassure Sam. To make sure he didn't suspect the dark circles under his eyes or the excessive drinking. Dean shook off his thoughts and opened the driver door, leaning against the frame to keep from falling. His common sense told him to go back inside, take some ibuprofen, and sleep the alcohol away. But the drunk, messy, depressed part of his mind wanted to  _go._ Go anywhere, anywhere that he could forget everything and just... die or something.

 Dean sat down in the familiar leather seat, breathing in the musky scent of whisky, gunpowder, and leather. He thanked the lord that no traces of Castiel were there, except the small scent of his woody... Dean pressed those thoughts into the back of his mind and closed the door, starting the car. He knew Sam wouldn't be up until 6 am, 5 hours from then. To go on his morning jog or whatever. Dean also knew that he wouldn't be back by then if he was ever going to come back. Dean shifted into the correct gear and began driving, already having a place in mind.

 Sam was awoken by his phone blaring loudly beside his head. He grumbled for a bit before grabbing it and answering the unknown number. "Hello, is this Harry Kilgrave?" Sam immediately woke up as the name of his fake name was read aloud. "Uh, yes, why?" He heard a sad sigh from the other end, knowing he wasn't going to like what came next. "You were on Kyle Novak's emergency contact list. I'm afraid your brother has been involved in a car accident, he is currently in surgery." Sam sucked in a sharp breath, a car accident? Couldn't Cas have saved him? "Um, alright, what hospital?" Sam quickly rubbed the sleep out of his eyes, getting dressed in his usual plaid shirt and jeans instead of his pyjama bottoms. "Genova Medical Institute." Sam hung up after that, not caring about proper manners, only wanting to know his brother would be alright.

 Sam practically ran into the hospital, hurrying to the desk. "Kyle Novak." And just to hurry her up, he flashed his FBI badge. The lady nodded and hastily entered the name, a frown decorated her features. "Unfortunately, he is still in surgery. No one is permitted to see him until he gets out." Sam sighed. but nodded. "Where's the waiting room?" The nurse pointed to the right, where only a sleeping middle-aged woman was sat. Sam sighed and walked over to the small, mint green chairs that smelled of disinfectant. Where was Cas? Wouldn't he be here? Sam cursed as he realised he hadn't seen said angel in about 2 weeks. Did the bastard abandon Dean? Was that why this happened? And when Dean was doing so well, too.

 Sam put his hands together in the typical praying motion. "Castiel, I swear to god if you have left Dean the next time I see you I will personally rip your lungs out." He then sat laid back, trying to get comfortable in the stiff, hospital-issued chairs.

 Sam felt a small hand on his shoulder, shaking him gently. "S-Sir, you're brother is out of surgery and stable." The same nurse from earlier looked at him, probably frightened by the FBI badge more than anything. Sam shot up and nodded, "Room?" He demanded, anxious to see his brother and know he was okay. "23B, next floor," Sam nodded and walked briskly to the elevator, remembering proper etiquette even while freaking out. Thankfully, it came quickly, probably as it was the middle of the night.

 Sam sighed in relief as he entered Dean's room and saw his brother sleeping peacefully, though he did look a little rough. Sam sighed as he took in Dean's appearance and the things that obviously weren't caused by the crash. There were multiple cuts on both his arms, seemingly random, but Sam knew they were put there on purpose. But besides the first time he saw the 3 cuts on his brother's belly, there was no incident. Sam knew it was because of Castiel. So where was the angel then, when this had happened to Dean?  

 Sam also took in how thin Dean looked, compared to about a month ago. He must've lost a lot of weight, as he was clearly underweight. How did Sam not notice? They went on hunts, but, Sam realised, they didn't spend much time with each other than that. Sam thought Cas would take care of his brother, that he would help heal him from the damage done in Dean's childhood. But, apparently not. Apparently, Castiel decided to ditch his brother in favour... of what? What would convince him to just leave, knowing what it could do to Dean? 

 Sam cursed and sat down in the little plastic chair sat beside the bed, for any visitors. Sleep quickly overcame him as he rested his head besides Dean's legs. 

- 

 Dean groaned as he woke up, his head pounding against his skull in a way that wasn't new over the last 2 weeks. Constantly waking up with hangovers was not a good way to spend your time. Dean sighed as he looked around, normal hospital décor surrounding him and Sam sleeping with his head resting on Dean's bed. Dean quickly assessed the damage done to his body. Two broken ribs, probably a fractured skull, a broken wrist, and some broken toes. Well, worse things have happened, Dean reminded himself. 

 He sighed as his brother started to wake up, knowing there was going to be questions and lectures and shouting. Man, that would not help the huge headache he was sporting. Once Sam seemed to wake up enough to realise Dean was awake, he sprung to his feet. Dean grimaced as he thought of what was going to happen next, 

 "Where is Castiel?" Dean's eyes widened at the question, what the hell kind of question was that? Your brother gets in a car crash because he's drunk and you ask where his boyfriend is? Well, granted, his boyfriend is an angel and is currently missing. It wouldn't be that hard to piece together seeing as he isn't in the room fretting over or healing Dean. "I- uh... I don't know." Sam sighed deeply at the words and rubbed his temples. 

 "How long?" Dean's brows furrowed, how long what? How long Cas was gone? How long had he been drinking? How long had he been not eating? "I need you to be more specific," Dean commented. "How long has Castiel been gone?!" Sam asked again, more anger seeping into his tone. "About 2 weeks now..." Dean answered, his hand twitching, wanting this conversation to be over. 

 "Okay, next. How long have you been forgetting to eat, purposefully hurting yourself, and drinking?" Dean shivered at the blunt question and the concern and anger in it. He didn't deserve that. He deserved Sam to leave him just like Cas did. God, what had his brain gone to in the last 2 weeks? _To hell,_ He helpfully answered his own question. "About 2 weeks..." He answered again, looking anywhere but at his brother. 

 "I'm going to kill him..." Sam whispered to himself, but Dean still picked up the words. "Cas? No, don't. It's my fault he left, I must've done something wrong..." He trailed off, not wanting to think of what might've been if only he wasn't a complete fuck-up. "No, Dean. None of this is your fault, okay? None of it. Now go back to sleep, God knows you need it." Sam replied, continuing to pace. Dean nodded in reply and relaxed back into his pillow, letting his mind slip off into darkness. 

 


	6. Chapter 6

I'm putting this story on hiatus. I like the general plot outline, but not how I've written it out. I've also got new story ideas, but unfortunately, not relating to Supernatural. I will rewrite this story, and don't worry, not much is going to change, I just want to write it better. I'm sorry.


End file.
